Introduction Part 2: Meeting Your Match
How could I possibly have gone on more than 100 first dates — without meeting someone that I wanted to have a relationship with?
As I said in Part 1 of this podcast, on date 108, I met my match.
I found his profile on April 5, 2016 and reached out to him in a short email that said, “Oh, I think we’d really like each other.” In all of my experiences, I rarely wrote first; but there was something about his bio that was so much like my own; I felt I knew him.
After only a few emails — one where he asked me to respond to five questions that were so clever and interesting I was immediately smitten — I had to hear his voice. Although talking on the phone is not his favorite way to communicate, as I discovered later, that first chat was absolutely lovely: super nice, super smart, funny, clever, and he had a sweet voice. Oh yes, I definitely wanted to meet him.
We went on our first date on April 19, 2016. That afternoon, I’d flown into DC from a weeklong business meeting in Kansas City, changed quickly, and walked out of the Marriott Hotel to meet him as he was crossing the street. He looked just like his photo (a relief, as that wasn’t always the case), and smiled a crooked grin as he looked at me over his glasses. What was he thinking?
I didn’t care. By now, I had been on so many first dates that I’d become expert at distancing myself from the outcome. He looked as cute and kind as he sounded on the phone, and I was determined to have a nice evening.
We choose to sit at the bar in a French bistro across from the hotel. He picked three appetizers we might like from the happy hour menu, and asked me to pick the one I wanted; when I chose the chicken quesadillas he said that was his first choice. We drank a little wine and talked and laughed; and when we were finished he asked if I’d like to go somewhere else for another drink.
This was a first. In addition to being slightly wonky and very witty, he was tall, thin and handsome (totally my type). But what got me was that he was a gentleman who wanted to stay and play. I thought about this as we sauntered to hip spot near GW University, where we shared fancy cocktails with giant ice cubes, and talked for two more hours.
The details of our chat didn’t stick as much as the feeling that this man was the most interesting person I’d met since I met my husband in 1991. His sparkly eyes reminded me of George Harrison and I just wanted to keep listening to what he was telling me about his career as an engineer, and his love for his three kids.
On the way back to my hotel he held my hand and said aloud how soft it was. I went to hug him, and the moment I touched his chest it was as if the sky opened up, for my immediate thought was, “Holy moly, there you are!”
I was so happy, and excited, that I was very close to ignoring my no-fooling-around-on-the-first-date rule. The next day as I awoke from a nap on the train back to Richmond, he had texted me saying that if he was on the train he’d probably be asleep. And, he said, how nice it was to meet me, that he couldn’t stop smiling all day. Me, too!
For the next three months I discovered a part of me that had been asleep for so long. We didn’t do much of anything standing up, but when we did it was playful and sweet (mini golf and a winery), and there was something about our banter that made me want more, more, more.
It wasn’t until our third date, when we were lying in bed, that I finally asked, “So I know you are an engineer, but what exactly do you do for a living?” He gave me a few clues that led me to understand, “You are a rocket scientist?”
We laughed a long time about that, realizing that it didn’t matter what we did. There was an attraction and attachment that went as deep as anything I’d dreamed of. When I told him that he was my perfect lover, he simply said, “No, it’s you. You are the perfect lover.”
I sighed, for I suddenly struck me that having him reflect me back through his heart and eyes was exactly what I’d been looking for. My quest was not just to find someone who would be my match — but to find who I wanted to be in this next phase of my life.
I began re-asking myself the fundamental questions I’d asked my dates: What do I want from my life, my love? What do I really want from, and for, myself? This man had given me the gift I’d been searching for.
What became of the rocket scientist and this writer? That’s a story for another day.
What I will share are a few observations that might make your trip down dating lane go a bit smoother.
- Gentlemen: Take a second look at your profile pics with a lady’s point of view. Many of us aren’t keen to see you sitting in your car, catching a fish, or without your shirt (even if you are an Adonis). Leave us something to fantasize about. Show us your eyes. We also don’t really want to see you with other women (although they seem to you like sweet pics, photos with your teenage daughters actually look like you are dating minors; not really a turn-on).
- Ladies: Courtesy counts. I was saddened to hear that many men felt taken advantage of by women who drove up a dinner bill ordering the most expensive things on the menu, or had little respect for their date’s feelings. Not nice! I think it might be good to treat them, as you’d like them to treat you. If we all attempt to do this, it might make this dating game a little easier.
- Take your time with your bio: These 250-word profiles are like truth serum. Even though they may be written on the fly, they speak volumes. If someone says they are religious, believe them. If they say they are conservative, true too. So if you aren’t — don’t respond, unless you are looking to argue, or shift your belief system.
- Open your heart. Many people playing the dating game are vulnerable. They’ve been in a relationship that ended — and that sucks, even when parting is the best thing for all concerned. Be sensitive and respectful about that. Don’t take advantage. The effort will be returned to you in remarkable ways.
- Tell the truth. If you are just in this dating game for sex, don’t pretend you are the marrying kind. There are plenty of women who just want to fool around, too. Clarity is key. But you have to know your motivation; it’ll help you find what you are looking for.
Why Divorce? Why Marry? Why Remarry?
When I began re-imagining my options, I started writing, “Why Divorce: Five Reasons to Leave.” These include the 4 As: adultery, addiction, abuse, and acrimony, with the fifth being perhaps the toughest reason to leave: I’m just not happy.
This will be part of a trilogy that includes:
- Why Marry: 5 Reasons to Say Yes
- Why Remarry: 5 Reasons to Do it Again
That darned desire of mine to investigate everything is leading the charge here, and in the coming months I’ll be traveling the country interviewing people in three ways: by email, podcast, videos, and through community events where groups of people will gather to talk about their experience with finding love, losing it, and courageously trying again.
Remember: If you’d like to share your story or be interviewed, send me an email for consideration at hope@hopegibbs.com and check out our website: www.WhyDivorce.us.
